Tu B'Shvat--day before yesterday, anniversary of the trees::::
to celebrate how we learn about our true Self from a tree, with roots
that remain in the ground, flowers that rebloom to fruit year after year, that grows tall, gives shade, can be replanted from a branch to a new tree
A long full day, & more success,
more disappointment, from you.
working, helping, formal duties fulfilled,
late again, leaving Jerusalem ...,
further delayed and held up by feeling ill
(from not seeing you? that is for sure)
(from resisting the pull? yes, but why?)
head exploding, snail paced traffic, after 16:00,
pouring rain, unrelenting, fierce winds,
whipping around the bumper-to-bumper lines, of cars,
while choking on CO2 fumes,
being grateful not to be a pedestrian,
snaking between the moving vehicles
.funny how, the force of the flow of traffic was urging me into the far left lane, that turned in through the HarNof nighborhood, another entrance to Route 1 from Jerusalem.
In short, I was being led to {because I was supposed to?} go
out via the Har Not exit, an invitation? to put myself inside your magnetic field, bring me closer to where you live.
then why did I resist it? That's not like me!
when,
especially, at that moment
, I felt the pull of possibility not closed off .
. .so why did I not simply allow, what I wanted so much ?
Because I was not even sure you were there....
'cause I waited for the call that did not come,
was I standing on a formality of trivialities,
while ignoring the most powerful pull of all?
the call to (re)unite into a One
A sanctified union under G()d
that would have brought me to you, forever, no
holds barred
was I bodychecked by the nay-sayers, waving sticks in the air,
despitee that I somehow did curtail their ill thoughts?
Or was it our own tumultuous relationship,
so new, yet so intense, which in every way, you were so vulnerable yet so strong
so deeply wonderful
then in a blink , so deeply wounded,
hurt!
excoriated by life, business, by those whose names were
friends, religious, family,
and, especially women (married 3 times), so seriously hypersensitized
against the 'gentler sex' called witches,
with a V short fuse
that came out of the dark, exploding unpredictably into high volume, emotionally as well as in sound level , as if I were the enemy, when, yes,
I wanted to know the full depth of those stories, but to elucidate
not to use against him,
!!! and slow to apologize, or maybe,
the really frightening part, with almost no self-awareness
that he was doing this, just dismissing me, as if an object,
a thing no longer wanted or in style.
what power allowed him to behave this way,
to do so, and to feel 'I've done justly'?
For whatever reason, raging at me
was as if I had personally
re-opened the wounds
gushing out in spasms of pain and injustice
he'd been dealt
when it was all along, there,
and I was just asked to notice,
to carefully dissect what he had already told me
even when I realized, and told him, that yes,
I too felt that this was not just 'for my good'
but to assure that he would never again, have any happiness
There was one acknowledgment of apology
for blaming me so coldly
and with no recourse,
but while it did help, it came, alas,
after we'd parted,
or, again, I'd been dismissed
that wasn't the worst of it,
yet, I could ignore it all,
for his brilliance, his cold wit,
and the promise of love,
or was that all fantasy? and me,
fluttering in the tail wind as
his soul soared,
his genius glinting off his sharp edged wisdom,
mind hard polished, hard won truths
how I loved to jaunt a bit, like a youth trying to slip into the armor of a war worn heroic master
hmmmm
For two people who never touched (Shomrim negeiyah),
the power of our passion was unsurpassed.
Re-affirmed that bliss lies 99 percent above and behind the eyes
open or shut.
continued descent, on semi-auto-matic-pilot, exhausted, in pain, my head throbbing,
I was supposed to--again--shown the way, a large white truck cutting me off, forcing me into the exit lane to Har Nof, while the true self allowed a glimmer of reflection back to you, or was it yetzer rah whoever who kept me from turning off the highway to the Har Nof neighborhood, which would allow me to seek sleep, [no, not with him!] in the homes of friends, as I'd done so often before, to rest, to avoid these extra hours of driving, for naught & , maybe iyH to see you so, too, why not?
because I looked so gorgeous, and everything was pushing me into your path, but you;
because I wanted you to also?//first? feel the power of the pull
of you to me to you, but once more,
I resisted, re-mixing your signals, not taking the leeway, ignoring the signs, the markers, they were not broken,
It was I who drove past, too fast through a light already yellow,
ignoring the warning
It was only after I had arrived, not,
having fought all the way
to keep from falling asleep
at the wheel, that I realized
that I already was
after the fall,
then I read your last email,
your message, the one I saw after arriving back home,
fully exhausted
nearly three hours north of Jerusalem instead of the usual
under two,
that night, due to traffic, the hour, the blinding rain -
if only it were that
worse was my willingness to resist, what I should have embraced
when I saw the time, and fully realized , that you had been at home, in Har Nof, as I
drove by,
and
all the time,
I struggled down
that hill,
with the pull of gravity,
not against it
contiinuing descent and back into
the middle of the muddle
{{Dear G()d: was this another {failed?} test of strength inner, and outer for stamina ? or, ought I be grateful to have avoided this burning and frigid , dance of drama}}
The well-intended had said: 'Is this the life you yearn for? be warned,
it might only be better for some short while, after you're engaged or married, worse.'
& you just stated, defiant, tall, princely: 'Who do you believe?'
not offering comfort, or hope, or more,
, yes, admitted to the misdemeanors, as you had told me before
but not the accusations, and I believed what you said,
because I felt that the weight of evidence fell on your side,
though no reassurances issued from your lips
that you'd ever see me as yours truly, yours.
{{would there ever have been, always that sliver to anguished anxiety, to rejection, to exit ? to that outmost possibility? for afterall, we are Jews, and the covenant can be undone, and broken. Or would we come closer, G()d willing, partners, true soulmates, helping one for each other? }},
then when you stated , unforgiving once more, that you would never be
able to see me, again, as the blameless virgin, because once touched by this past, it would always be lurking,
albeit not of my own doing
so you did not offer me shade, nor a branch of your tree
to celebrate how we learn about our true Self from a tree, with roots
that remain in the ground, flowers that rebloom to fruit year after year, that grows tall, gives shade, can be replanted from a branch to a new tree
A long full day, & more success,
more disappointment, from you.
working, helping, formal duties fulfilled,
late again, leaving Jerusalem ...,
further delayed and held up by feeling ill
(from not seeing you? that is for sure)
(from resisting the pull? yes, but why?)
head exploding, snail paced traffic, after 16:00,
pouring rain, unrelenting, fierce winds,
whipping around the bumper-to-bumper lines, of cars,
while choking on CO2 fumes,
being grateful not to be a pedestrian,
snaking between the moving vehicles
.funny how, the force of the flow of traffic was urging me into the far left lane, that turned in through the HarNof nighborhood, another entrance to Route 1 from Jerusalem.
In short, I was being led to {because I was supposed to?} go
out via the Har Not exit, an invitation? to put myself inside your magnetic field, bring me closer to where you live.
then why did I resist it? That's not like me!
when,
especially, at that moment
, I felt the pull of possibility not closed off .
. .so why did I not simply allow, what I wanted so much ?
Because I was not even sure you were there....
'cause I waited for the call that did not come,
was I standing on a formality of trivialities,
while ignoring the most powerful pull of all?
the call to (re)unite into a One
A sanctified union under G()d
that would have brought me to you, forever, no
holds barred
was I bodychecked by the nay-sayers, waving sticks in the air,
despitee that I somehow did curtail their ill thoughts?
Or was it our own tumultuous relationship,
so new, yet so intense, which in every way, you were so vulnerable yet so strong
so deeply wonderful
then in a blink , so deeply wounded,
hurt!
excoriated by life, business, by those whose names were
friends, religious, family,
and, especially women (married 3 times), so seriously hypersensitized
against the 'gentler sex' called witches,
with a V short fuse
that came out of the dark, exploding unpredictably into high volume, emotionally as well as in sound level , as if I were the enemy, when, yes,
I wanted to know the full depth of those stories, but to elucidate
not to use against him,
!!! and slow to apologize, or maybe,
the really frightening part, with almost no self-awareness
that he was doing this, just dismissing me, as if an object,
a thing no longer wanted or in style.
what power allowed him to behave this way,
to do so, and to feel 'I've done justly'?
For whatever reason, raging at me
was as if I had personally
re-opened the wounds
gushing out in spasms of pain and injustice
he'd been dealt
when it was all along, there,
and I was just asked to notice,
to carefully dissect what he had already told me
even when I realized, and told him, that yes,
I too felt that this was not just 'for my good'
but to assure that he would never again, have any happiness
There was one acknowledgment of apology
for blaming me so coldly
and with no recourse,
but while it did help, it came, alas,
after we'd parted,
or, again, I'd been dismissed
that wasn't the worst of it,
yet, I could ignore it all,
for his brilliance, his cold wit,
and the promise of love,
or was that all fantasy? and me,
fluttering in the tail wind as
his soul soared,
his genius glinting off his sharp edged wisdom,
mind hard polished, hard won truths
how I loved to jaunt a bit, like a youth trying to slip into the armor of a war worn heroic master
hmmmm
For two people who never touched (Shomrim negeiyah),
the power of our passion was unsurpassed.
Re-affirmed that bliss lies 99 percent above and behind the eyes
open or shut.
continued descent, on semi-auto-matic-pilot, exhausted, in pain, my head throbbing,
I was supposed to--again--shown the way, a large white truck cutting me off, forcing me into the exit lane to Har Nof, while the true self allowed a glimmer of reflection back to you, or was it yetzer rah whoever who kept me from turning off the highway to the Har Nof neighborhood, which would allow me to seek sleep, [no, not with him!] in the homes of friends, as I'd done so often before, to rest, to avoid these extra hours of driving, for naught & , maybe iyH to see you so, too, why not?
because I looked so gorgeous, and everything was pushing me into your path, but you;
because I wanted you to also?//first? feel the power of the pull
of you to me to you, but once more,
I resisted, re-mixing your signals, not taking the leeway, ignoring the signs, the markers, they were not broken,
It was I who drove past, too fast through a light already yellow,
ignoring the warning
It was only after I had arrived, not,
having fought all the way
to keep from falling asleep
at the wheel, that I realized
that I already was
after the fall,
then I read your last email,
your message, the one I saw after arriving back home,
fully exhausted
nearly three hours north of Jerusalem instead of the usual
under two,
that night, due to traffic, the hour, the blinding rain -
if only it were that
worse was my willingness to resist, what I should have embraced
when I saw the time, and fully realized , that you had been at home, in Har Nof, as I
drove by,
and
all the time,
I struggled down
that hill,
with the pull of gravity,
not against it
contiinuing descent and back into
the middle of the muddle
{{Dear G()d: was this another {failed?} test of strength inner, and outer for stamina ? or, ought I be grateful to have avoided this burning and frigid , dance of drama}}
The well-intended had said: 'Is this the life you yearn for? be warned,
it might only be better for some short while, after you're engaged or married, worse.'
& you just stated, defiant, tall, princely: 'Who do you believe?'
not offering comfort, or hope, or more,
, yes, admitted to the misdemeanors, as you had told me before
but not the accusations, and I believed what you said,
because I felt that the weight of evidence fell on your side,
though no reassurances issued from your lips
that you'd ever see me as yours truly, yours.
{{would there ever have been, always that sliver to anguished anxiety, to rejection, to exit ? to that outmost possibility? for afterall, we are Jews, and the covenant can be undone, and broken. Or would we come closer, G()d willing, partners, true soulmates, helping one for each other? }},
then when you stated , unforgiving once more, that you would never be
able to see me, again, as the blameless virgin, because once touched by this past, it would always be lurking,
albeit not of my own doing
so you did not offer me shade, nor a branch of your tree
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