Thoughts: On who's the one?

To recently widowed friend, who started dating

I am sorry dear friend, but you talk about these women
as if they are still profiles on your laptop screen:
flat, 2Dimensional, with no scent, no timbre
or like you’re describing one of your newest synthetics:
excited but academic

Or maybe, that's just how I hear it,,,, from afar...
& to think, I was worrying about you being lonely!

How is this? as a hint, remez:
**Think C h e m i s t r y**
!~!simultaneous equations!~!
%*^#! explosive mixtures%*^#!
>>>>exothermic reactions<<<< style="font-style: italic;">do you keep track of them all?
remember their names?
electronically,
with the camera option?

And, what ever happened to one at a time?
not , One-A-Day, like vitamins
Or, is it still too soon, to be thinking about marital bliss ?
or not,
already past the 1-year yartzeit...

So, in light of your confusion,
glad to see that you're not rushing
to get hitched
so fast,
just yet

And, How close are your 'kids' to seeking out a mate?
Alas, these young yidden are in no hurry
to tie the knot
Yeah, pity

OK: Keep It Sweet & Simple:
get back to basics, KISS:
Go to "My Reasons for Marrying."
"Why I wedded in the first place."
Why I chose my screen-name,
SoulMateSought!!!!

Here's an idea: a bioassay:
Let me count the ways:

~ Who is the woman in your dreams?
The one you have in your mind’s eye,
while you're still lolling in bed,
in the morning,
purring to yourself,
warm, between the sheeets, thinking
about awakening up,
together, with some sweet words
passing from your lips
to hers

~ Who do you want to grow old with?
I've heard that kissing improves with age
like other organics, good wine and cheese

~ Who do you see smiling, over your shoulder,
when you look in the mirror
And you flash back a smile
in return?

~ Who sparks your imagination,
not just your repartee,
beyond clever conversation over crudites
& toasted bread?

~ Who inspires you to carry on?
prods you on to greatness? gets you up
helps you along,
when you're tired or down ?

~ Who comes to mind
when you make that breakthrough?
contractual agreement signed,
distribution deal finalized,
or one of your chemical discoveries!

And when, you want to celebrate,
do you think of her favorite restaurant
, maybe where you had your first date?
Maybe leave earlier from work,
to stop and buy that flowering plant,
the one you know she'd love to place in the garden corner,
because she told you that it 'needs' a littler color
& the water
from that leaking gutter,
shouldn't go to waste.

~ Who do you picture Erev Shabbat,
bringing in the challote?

~ Who do you see thoughtfully
imbibing your d'var torah,
betweeen songs,
and singing?

~ Who is she who learns and teaches?
who volunteers,
shares to encourage,
to sooth,
not to self-aggrandize.

Think man! Not trivial!
Not about teeth that need caps,
not about orthodonture,
laser eye surgery,
thinning hair and hairy hats!

It ain’t about that.
but it could be
about the books she's read
about the causes she supports,
the work
that she does
because
she
loves
to

Or, here's a good one, for your
own psych profile:
when she's fretting over a new wrinkle,
will you cock your head and think 'Old'
or will you cock your head the other way,
glad to remember and recall
the good times and your shared smiles?
& Thank G()d for the time together,
and tell her!
and give her a
real kiss
lingering
looking in her eyes
grateful.

‘Sess out how she likes your kids:
Does she kvell about their accomplishments?
Is sad with them when they play hard,
but the game was lost, nonetheless?
and same goes
for you, too.

not every day will be a winner,
'though there's always reason
to thank G()d
and each other.

Or is her first thought, sniffing around
about redecorating the house?
Where will you vacation?
or, that gorgeous bracelet
she saw at Harry Winston?

Full Stop.
Deep breath.
Who, is the next, Love of your Life,
together ?

The one you want to nestle
into the chambers
of your heart,
not only in the nook of your arm
but to inveigle into every corner in your home
into every room in your house.

The one you want to see, when you turn into the drive,
standing, between lintel and jambs ,
glad you've both arrived
at about the same time
looking forward to
your evening
alone
with one
another

Yes, hard to face
after, all this,
After your own dear,
sweet marriage
the death of such a loving wife.
You know
that I
know too,
that
it was so
for me
as well

I admit it,
now, in light of day
Billy, my First Love,
who died so young,
even harder now,
though so many
years have gone,
still feeling that pain;

and that 2nd problematic love,
now legally ended,
Thank G()d
for at least that

HERE'S ANOTHER IDEA: Make a free running list,
with the rhythm of your heart,
the light of your soul,
as in
, , , wondrous feeling, deep caring, covenantal love,
husband&wife, true best friends, snugglers
confidantes, student<~>teacher<~>student
learning together,
hunched over instructions
or a manual written in China
breaking new ground,
lovers, impassioned, comforters,
teamplayers,
trusting, fully wholly open and shut,
loving her aroma, drawing in her scent
crying together, daubing each others
eyelids, gently, removing spectacles
and ending up laughing or sobbing
in each other's arms,
enjoying her thought from all angles
and straight on:
not only husband&wife, but true best friends,
impassioned together
about the concerns that matter
global warming, Jews in poverty,
food distribution, nuclear fusion
confused with fission.

from all angles
and straight on:
not only husband-&-wife, but true best friends,
confidantes, always learning, from each other's love,
lovers, (com)passionate,
holding together,
trusting the other,
fully,
from all angles
and straight on:
{{and again; and again; gathering
more momentum }}

HERE'S ONE MORE:
~ Whom do you envision growing old with?
and enjoy the thought
of walking on the beach
in flowing white robes,
and pray for it to happen,
counting the weeks
the tic of that Eternal Clock
ad meir v'esrim
AMV

CAVEAT II: Poetry, semi-hypnotic, CLICK ADDICTION(c)

CAVEAT II: poetry, The language of love, song, rhythmic beat, hypnotically fosters not only love but love-simile, a state of partial hypnotic~addiction, that can counter or more usually reinforce
CLICK ADDICTION(c) -- a dangerous semi-hypnotic state that is prime side effect of hours on-line, playing games, seek-find to seek once more, click-&-shoot, click-to-kill, or any seemingly simple, “harmless electronic key action that ends in even a small modicum of satisfaction” clicking to hyperlink, to open, to reply, to find, to move, to copy-paste, to enter details stored with one key stroke, again & again & just once more.
Past description, HERE IS THE WARNING::::
Click Addiction(c) persuades towards seeking, not selection; encourages continuing the Search rather than the Find, especially problematic in on-line dating, where stopping-clicking interferes with on-going, satisfaction, slowing into a choice, albeit the first, among many, for better or worse.
Risk is all over, for those afloat at sea: Victims of Poetry saved by poetry.

dogstory, ssssnew wrinkle

II. a ssssnew wrinkle

so the dog woke me up from a dream
& I hear you, in a memory of a past conversation,
asking the question,
the one you called 'the acid test',
'the age-old' one:
"Would you want to wake up with her in the morning???"
& I answered you:
"Wait a minute: is that a scary, or a delicious thought?!?

On the other hand, Consider this:
the other day, I realized that we,
human beings, that is,
grimace,
in sleep.

For me even more so
because I dream, always.
Not what you may think....although may also be true,
but, REM Sleep Narcolepsy.
which effectively, means
that I dream
as soon as my eyes close,
hours long, nap, or snooze.

Practically, what does this imply?
Instead of sleeping peacefully,
serene like lake, or baby's face,
Horrifying to consider
that our facial wrinkles will be determined
not only by conscious actions, emotions
expressed during waking hours
,,,,,if you call all this consciousness?,,,,,
but also by how we REACT
to what we dream,
or think of or imagine
as REM takes control!

Whatever happened to beauty sleep?!? .

Oiy va voiy!!!
Moving right along,
already thinking of a way
to induce temporary coma.

Or, as you said, another reason
for botox, injected or applied
as cream

Always the practical romantic.
Art meets science meets Art
~ ~ ~

~ ~ ~ ~

dogstory short morning

I.
going out to walk the dog.
nice of her to wake me,
instead of finding a "present"
she'd left
in the morning

Tu B'Shvat - Anniversary of the Trees

Tu B'Shvat--day before yesterday, anniversary of the trees::::
to celebrate how we learn about our true Self from a tree, with roots
that remain in the ground, flowers that rebloom to fruit year after year, that grows tall, gives shade, can be replanted from a branch to a new tree

A long full day, & more success,
more disappointment, from you.
working, helping, formal duties fulfilled,
late again, leaving Jerusalem ...,
further delayed and held up by feeling ill
(from not seeing you? that is for sure)
(from resisting the pull? yes, but why?)
head exploding, snail paced traffic, after 16:00,
pouring rain, unrelenting, fierce winds,
whipping around the bumper-to-bumper lines, of cars,
while choking on CO2 fumes,
being grateful not to be a pedestrian,
snaking between the moving vehicles

.funny how, the force of the flow of traffic was urging me into the far left lane, that turned in through the HarNof nighborhood, another entrance to Route 1 from Jerusalem.

In short, I was being led to {because I was supposed to?} go
out via the Har Not exit, an invitation? to put myself inside your magnetic field, bring me closer to where you live.
then why did I resist it? That's not like me!
when,
especially, at that moment
, I felt the pull of possibility not closed off .

. .so why did I not simply allow, what I wanted so much ?
Because I was not even sure you were there....
'cause I waited for the call that did not come,

was I standing on a formality of trivialities,
while ignoring the most powerful pull of all?
the call to (re)unite into a One
A sanctified union under G()d
that would have brought me to you, forever, no
holds barred

was I bodychecked by the nay-sayers, waving sticks in the air,
despitee that I somehow did curtail their ill thoughts?
Or was it our own tumultuous relationship,
so new, yet so intense, which in every way, you were so vulnerable yet so strong
so deeply wonderful
then in a blink , so deeply wounded,
hurt!
excoriated by life, business, by those whose names were
friends, religious, family,
and, especially women (married 3 times), so seriously hypersensitized
against the 'gentler sex' called witches,

with a V short fuse
that came out of the dark, exploding unpredictably into high volume, emotionally as well as in sound level , as if I were the enemy, when, yes,
I wanted to know the full depth of those stories, but to elucidate
not to use against him,

!!! and slow to apologize, or maybe,
the really frightening part, with almost no self-awareness
that he was doing this, just dismissing me, as if an object,
a thing no longer wanted or in style.

what power allowed him to behave this way,
to do so, and to feel 'I've done justly'?

For whatever reason, raging at me
was as if I had personally
re-opened the wounds
gushing out in spasms of pain and injustice
he'd been dealt
when it was all along, there,
and I was just asked to notice,
to carefully dissect what he had already told me

even when I realized, and told him, that yes,
I too felt that this was not just 'for my good'
but to assure that he would never again, have any happiness

There was one acknowledgment of apology
for blaming me so coldly
and with no recourse,
but while it did help, it came, alas,
after we'd parted,
or, again, I'd been dismissed

that wasn't the worst of it,
yet, I could ignore it all,
for his brilliance, his cold wit,
and the promise of love,
or was that all fantasy? and me,
fluttering in the tail wind as
his soul soared,
his genius glinting off his sharp edged wisdom,
mind hard polished, hard won truths

how I loved to jaunt a bit, like a youth trying to slip into the armor of a war worn heroic master
hmmmm

For two people who never touched (Shomrim negeiyah),
the power of our passion was unsurpassed.
Re-affirmed that bliss lies 99 percent above and behind the eyes
open or shut.

continued descent, on semi-auto-matic-pilot, exhausted, in pain, my head throbbing,
I was supposed to--again--shown the way, a large white truck cutting me off, forcing me into the exit lane to Har Nof, while the true self allowed a glimmer of reflection back to you, or was it yetzer rah whoever who kept me from turning off the highway to the Har Nof neighborhood, which would allow me to seek sleep, [no, not with him!] in the homes of friends, as I'd done so often before, to rest, to avoid these extra hours of driving, for naught & , maybe iyH to see you so, too, why not?

because I looked so gorgeous, and everything was pushing me into your path, but you;
because I wanted you to also?//first? feel the power of the pull
of you to me to you, but once more,
I resisted, re-mixing your signals, not taking the leeway, ignoring the signs, the markers, they were not broken,
It was I who drove past, too fast through a light already yellow,
ignoring the warning

It was only after I had arrived, not,
having fought all the way
to keep from falling asleep
at the wheel, that I realized
that I already was
after the fall,
then I read your last email,
your message, the one I saw after arriving back home,
fully exhausted
nearly three hours north of Jerusalem instead of the usual
under two,
that night, due to traffic, the hour, the blinding rain -
if only it were that
worse was my willingness to resist, what I should have embraced
when I saw the time, and fully realized , that you had been at home, in Har Nof, as I
drove by,
and
all the time,
I struggled down
that hill,
with the pull of gravity,
not against it

contiinuing descent and back into
the middle of the muddle

{{Dear G()d: was this another {failed?} test of strength inner, and outer for stamina ? or, ought I be grateful to have avoided this burning and frigid , dance of drama}}

The well-intended had said: 'Is this the life you yearn for? be warned,
it might only be better for some short while, after you're engaged or married, worse.'

& you just stated, defiant, tall, princely: 'Who do you believe?'
not offering comfort, or hope, or more,
, yes, admitted to the misdemeanors, as you had told me before
but not the accusations, and I believed what you said,
because I felt that the weight of evidence fell on your side,
though no reassurances issued from your lips
that you'd ever see me as yours truly, yours.

{{would there ever have been, always that sliver to anguished anxiety, to rejection, to exit ? to that outmost possibility? for afterall, we are Jews, and the covenant can be undone, and broken. Or would we come closer, G()d willing, partners, true soulmates, helping one for each other? }},

then when you stated , unforgiving once more, that you would never be
able to see me, again, as the blameless virgin, because once touched by this past, it would always be lurking,
albeit not of my own doing

so you did not offer me shade, nor a branch of your tree

EMETT, Love forsaken, by self, by Misstake

so many mistakes w you. in my life. the way you erred
why? & if to say:
would be different, if we’d been formally engaged ,

&, if we were married? Would the power of love's covenantal commitment enlighten the dark side, Or would it be the same, tumultuous? Explosive!!! ?
& always on the mend

shrapnel riddled ?
{{is it Israel or Ya’akov’s son that I ask here,
or is this at all, generally, relevant?
As if there is any other reason for
Being? }}

do I need to ask? like your saying that even if I had a car,
I would not come for a cake....
when you knew that this was not cake but a token to your heart
to get to your kitchen
and find ???
, did you not?

not cake but bread, made sweet,

not pudding, but soufflé, allowed to fall,

to be remade crusty and delicious and moist,

when rebaked in the oven,

rising again, quite miraculously.

saved for you, even now as can be frozen and reheated
, ad erev Pessach
{{yes, recipe available upon request. Perhaps I should just post it }}

And it still is. yetzer rah outran the yetzer tov ....??? or the opposite?

the straight question never asked/not answered:
Here is , PART OF THE DETAIL, writ small:
What we never discussed are all of those qualifications,,,,
matters usually
dealt w before proposing marriage,
as you yourself noted.

note: I did not
act out
of fear alone
but out
of not
being
willing
to compromise on love's nes gadol
miracle of tenderness on being embraced,
whole on EMETT, on being In The Story
Y/ours,
of which you are gaone

&, yes, I admit, that I went wrong:
wrong word, wrong turn, wrong time, wrong wrong . . . . . why?
because I am, you are, we are,
simply created, simply stated
flawed

Period, necudah, what’s done is done.

so not 'knowing' you, how could it?
I needed to ask, not having your powers of observation,
{ of all but yourself? or is that not fair,
now that you are simply, not listening }

could the future make tikkun on one and the other, self, each other; present, past? future? tense
I am sure about the past present and present past
brought forward
but could we be that together ?
eyes wide shut open for each other
could we do that , one for the other,
the way it was meant to be
from before the inception,
ezer k'negdo?
:helpmates, soulmates, b'shrt,
fullcomplEted whole souls
or at least as if,
the closest limit
the nearest close approximation
on this earthly plane
of matter, laws, equations

There is more detail, syn, neX\ /T correction and notes to myotherself

CAVEAT EMPTOR

CAVEAT EMPTOR
: poetry
The language of love, song, rhythmic beat
hypnotically fosters not only love but a love-simile
a state of partial hypnotic~addiction, that can counter or more usually reinforce CLICK ADDICTION(c) a dangerous semi-hypnotic
state-of-action that is prime side effect of hours on-line
, playing games, seeking-to-find to seek once more
click-&-shoot, click-to-kill,
or any seemingly simple, harmless electronic key action
that ends in even a small modicum of satisfaction
, clicking again & just once more
persuades towards seeking not selection,
towards search rather than finding,
over and over again
for better or worse.

Risk is all over, for those afloat at sea: Victims of Poetry saved by poetry.